I used to be very jealous of the performers that could go out on stage and play with little nerve issues. People that might get a little nervous, but were able to keep calm and in control...I didn't think it was fair. Now, I will admit that some of my performance anxiety when I was in college was from bad attitude and poor preparation, but even after I got over myself and grew up, I still suffered from this awful anxiety. I deal with it even now. It's not as bad, and I know how to manage it a little better, but it is always there.
After dealing with this anxiety, I have realized that it has made some of my accomplishments all the more meaningful for me. I have learned to believe in myself and really push myself when times get tough. The one thing that I did not expect, however, is how helpful it would be when it came to teaching adolescent musicians. I don't coddle, I don't make excuses for them, and I don't let them back out. I push them and I want to see them do more...and when they get nervous, I explain to them how to get through it. I share my stories and my insight from first-hand experience. I let them know that they can be scared, nervous, shy, and everything else in between, and still work through it and enjoy it. I let them know that it's worth it, too. I tell them how I black out sometimes when I have to play, I tell them of times where I've played anything but the right notes...and then I smile at them and say, "And look, I am still here." I walk them through, step by step of what an audition or solo will be like, what the room will be like, what the judge(s) will do. I explain to them how to recover from mistakes, how to take a compliment, even when it's the last thing they want to hear because they know they messed up horrifically. I know it's nothing we really want to happen, but after being through it, and being able to explain what happens...they are a little less scared. And when they understand that it's NATURAL to be nervous and that it is WORTH IT to keep going, they start to refocus on the real reason why they chose to play music it in the first place. I never thought I would be glad that I got so nervous when I performed. I never thought that the insane amount of self-doubt I put myself through would pay off in such a way. Speaking of self doubt...
So, I still struggle with doubting myself. It's nothing near what I dealt with as a teenager or early 20s, but it is always there...lingering and just waiting for a moment of weakness. When I became a teacher, I was scared and excited. That chance I always wanted, the chance to make a difference, had finally arrived. Along with it came fear. Fear of failure. Fear of not knowing the right answers. Thankfully, through music I had gained just enough self-confidence to push through it. When I stand in front of those young minds, those many young minds that depend on me to provide them with a music education. Those young minds that need to know they are very important and capable of great things, I couldn't imagine being scared for a minute. Knowing that they depend on me for opportunities that no one else in that school will be able to provide them with gives me so much strength and confidence that I sometimes feel invincible. One by one, they forever change my life, not just professionally, but personally. They believe in me and put their trust in me which forces me to believe in myself and take chances on my own ideas! I tell them that I had no idea the amount of inspiration and motivation I was going to stand in front of everyday. I get up every morning wanting to do better, learn more, work harder, and be happier. I know that would not have happened if I would have accepted defeat and not gone back to school to become a music educator.
I often joke about how I always find the most difficult way of doing something. If there is a road that is 3 times as long than the main road, I end up taking it. I beat myself up that I lost out on opportunities I will never get back, that I should have spoken up for myself when I was in a situation, and that I could have been better. Then, the bell rings and none of that matters anymore because I have young minds that are looking at me waiting for me to show them that they are awesome and that I believe in them. It makes all the other little worries go away and makes my heart smile.
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